Waiting

Some days I am afraid of the surgery - dying on the table particularly -  it seems unfathomable that I'm willingly cutting apart my organs. On those days, I cling to this melodramatic notion that I must make the last few days before my surgery more significant. I grieve for the last month that has slipped by so quietly.

Some days I am eager for the surgery - the relief of waking up and the metamorphosis that will surely follow - it seems like torture to wait any longer. I want to stamp and clench my fists with frustration as I try to control my eating alone.  Evidently I want to live more than I want to not die. 

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The other night I video-chatted for a few hours with 6 or 7 illustrators that we've worked with or become friends with in the last few years. I was mortified by how I looked on the screen beside my peers. I nibbled and ate constantly, while they did not. Admittedly it was dinner time here, while they are scattered across different time zones. But I ate before and after consuming a large pastrami Reuben on screen, hoping that no one had my window fully open, watching my arms jiggle as I ate.

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Lately I've been obsessing over a few things. With my 30th birthday tomorrow it feels like baby-crazies are sliding in just under the wire. For the last 4 days, I've been reading articles for new parents, watching videos on swaddling, and trying to learn as much about babies as I can. Standard SBB operating procedure: 1.) RESEARCH 2.) RESEARCH 3.)DO IT  <-- this applies to everything from makeup, career changes, folding t-shirts, weddings, gastric bypass, and opening my own business. I love researching.

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 I'm worried that I'll still be ugly even after I lose the weight. I've never liked my nose. Maybe I'll like it better when my face is smaller. Can't really control my nose so I guess I'll just have to let that fear go for now. Maybe think about a nose job in 5 or 10 years. Is that crazy?

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I'm less worried about the compulsive eating than I have been in a long time. I've made some big progress and had small backsliding, which is better than it's ever been. I'm starting to get back in touch with my body signals and my real hunger. A.M.was really proud of the work I've done, and said really nice things to me. Having someone say something nice about me with no "buts" and knowing that they mean it, and I might actually deserve praise... was new and overwhelming really. I teared up a bit. 

We talked about how a lot of the criticism and self-hate uses language and ideas about my weight that I've picked up from other people. We talked about building some new mechanisms for dealing with the things other people say (other than stress-eating), and she said I need a "teflon shield" between what others say and what I believe about myself. Because ultimately I can't control what other people do, think, or say. But I can control how I filter that experience. The nerd that I am, I started immediately envisioning Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman - not her invisibility but those awesome force fields she throws up in defiance of whatever is attacking her.

     

In the center, Sue is safe. She can see outside, she can react to everything she needs to, but she is mostly untouched and in control. The shields aren't always up, but she's got them when she needs them.