AWOL

Yikes - It's been a while since I've updated.

For you math fiends, I've been on a bit of a sin curve of emotions lately. And my weight is still out of control. 315 lbs last I checked.

Things are still pretty blah with my therapist. I genuinely don't think she pays attention to me or remembers ANYTHING about my life and current issues. She's asked me what my business is at least 4 times.

I've started seeing a nutritionist who is very kind and is making me think about stuff.

but so far it's been really hard to actually make changes - My eating has not really changed in months, other than that I'm aware of it. I feel like I haven't accomplished much beyond telling a bunch of strangers my feelings.

But the nutritionist is pretty awesome so I'm more confident about my post-surgery recovery now. She wants me to take the next two months to be really proactive about addressing the source of the eating.

the biggest news of all? My surgery has been scheduled for October 6th!

I am 2 months away from the hugest change in my life, and it's really exciting and frightening and wonderful.


PROBLEM
There is a kitkat bar on my desk right now. I picked it up after going to the bank. I'm stressed about our company finances, and worried about paying bills and invoices that are (over)due. It's a fear and a duty I keep to myself because I'm bad at sharing.
On my way back to the shop I picked up a candy bar. It's a KingSize KitKat.

 I've never bought one before. A King Size. I don't even like milk chocolate. I usually want dark chocolate, but truthfully I didn't really crave anything. I just wanted something. Escape for just a few minutes into the food.
I ate 3 bars without realizing.
TRUTH
I'm not hungry. It's not a physical hunger that I feel in my stomach.
It's not even the crazy acid chest "hunger" mixed messages I sometimes get from reflux.
It's just it my head.
I ate three pieces and I don't feel any different. Eating the rest will not change anything.
DARE
Do something proactive to address the source of my anxiety and worry. Challenge the source.
Call an accountant this afternoon.
Throw the KitKat away.


update: I did it. I called a bookkeeper and left a message. fingers crossed. phew. and I threw that kit kat away.