Waiting

Some days I am afraid of the surgery - dying on the table particularly -  it seems unfathomable that I'm willingly cutting apart my organs. On those days, I cling to this melodramatic notion that I must make the last few days before my surgery more significant. I grieve for the last month that has slipped by so quietly.

Some days I am eager for the surgery - the relief of waking up and the metamorphosis that will surely follow - it seems like torture to wait any longer. I want to stamp and clench my fists with frustration as I try to control my eating alone.  Evidently I want to live more than I want to not die. 

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The other night I video-chatted for a few hours with 6 or 7 illustrators that we've worked with or become friends with in the last few years. I was mortified by how I looked on the screen beside my peers. I nibbled and ate constantly, while they did not. Admittedly it was dinner time here, while they are scattered across different time zones. But I ate before and after consuming a large pastrami Reuben on screen, hoping that no one had my window fully open, watching my arms jiggle as I ate.

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Lately I've been obsessing over a few things. With my 30th birthday tomorrow it feels like baby-crazies are sliding in just under the wire. For the last 4 days, I've been reading articles for new parents, watching videos on swaddling, and trying to learn as much about babies as I can. Standard SBB operating procedure: 1.) RESEARCH 2.) RESEARCH 3.)DO IT  <-- this applies to everything from makeup, career changes, folding t-shirts, weddings, gastric bypass, and opening my own business. I love researching.

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 I'm worried that I'll still be ugly even after I lose the weight. I've never liked my nose. Maybe I'll like it better when my face is smaller. Can't really control my nose so I guess I'll just have to let that fear go for now. Maybe think about a nose job in 5 or 10 years. Is that crazy?

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I'm less worried about the compulsive eating than I have been in a long time. I've made some big progress and had small backsliding, which is better than it's ever been. I'm starting to get back in touch with my body signals and my real hunger. A.M.was really proud of the work I've done, and said really nice things to me. Having someone say something nice about me with no "buts" and knowing that they mean it, and I might actually deserve praise... was new and overwhelming really. I teared up a bit. 

We talked about how a lot of the criticism and self-hate uses language and ideas about my weight that I've picked up from other people. We talked about building some new mechanisms for dealing with the things other people say (other than stress-eating), and she said I need a "teflon shield" between what others say and what I believe about myself. Because ultimately I can't control what other people do, think, or say. But I can control how I filter that experience. The nerd that I am, I started immediately envisioning Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman - not her invisibility but those awesome force fields she throws up in defiance of whatever is attacking her.

     

In the center, Sue is safe. She can see outside, she can react to everything she needs to, but she is mostly untouched and in control. The shields aren't always up, but she's got them when she needs them. 

Bento 001: Pre-Op Lunch Packing

Omg. I did it. My first bento. I couldn't wait until after surgery, I just had to give it a shot. Today's lunch is...

Top compartment (SNACKS): smoked string cheese, marinated egg, watermelon cut into little flower shapes
Bottom compartment (PROPER LUNCH) : Romaine Salad with Shrimp & marinated egg - with a little shaved red onion and a mini container of white wine vinegar.

As you can see I packed 2 eggs. - Mostly because I tried a new egg marinade last night, and it's absolutely PERFECT!

1/3 cup low sodium soy sauce
1 tbsp sriracha
1 tbsp elderflower jelly

You could make it with apricot, peach, or grape jelly. (not strawberry, blueberry, or raspberry) It adds a pop of natural sweetness that is a fantastic complement to the salty and spicy. The yolks are soft and gelled, not opaque and fully cooked. It's definitely my favorite part of this lunch box. I wish I had packed more of them - but that's head hunger, not physical hunger. Trying to get mentally used to smaller portions is really f*ing hard.

The salad looks pretty but the shrimp are kinda terrible. I bought them pre-cooked at Fresh Market and they taste dirty. Next time I'm doing it myself. Ugh. The rest at home are definitely going to be dog food. yuck. On the bright side, one of those little soy sauce containers held the perfect amount of vinegar for a light oil-free salad.

Verdict: Snack compartment was awesome, delicious, and I ate it too fast. Main lunch compartment was terrible thanks to bad shrimp - but improved with bonus egg. Didn't eat 70% of salad. C+

Cool Gadgets #1

Dash Go Rapid Egg Cooker

At just $19.99, this little fella is outstanding so far! Mr. SBB and I gave it a shot this morning and it works!  We used it to make some soft cooked eggs (almost like a poached egg)- with no oil or butter. The whites were soft and creamy, and the yolk was  properly soft cooked.  The Dash is easy to clean, dishwasher safe, and can do everything from oil-free omelets to hardboiled eggs. Oh, and it comes in 5 adorable colors. I'm a little nervous about hard-boiled eggs, because i think they might be hard to peel because it's a "cold start" cooking method, but I'll let you know what happens when we try it!

We used some tasty l.o.f.r. eggs from Free Union Grass Farm. A dozen gorgeous lofr eggs for just $5.50! The yolks were a bright luscious yellow, and they tasted divine. I recommend finding the closest "grass farm" to your city and buying your eggs from them. Grass farms are modeled after Joel Salatin's Polyface farm in Swope, VA, and they've got sustainability and quality figured out! 

Some old-ish photos

SBB - my last year of Culinary School

Ssion concert in Oakland

My favorite photo of me and Mr. SBB at a wedding a few years ago. 

This was definitely my favorite hair color ever.

Nutritionist Today

I saw A.M. again this morning- she's a nutritionist that specializes in eating disorders so a lot of her work is more mental than just nutritional which is really amazing - everyone going through WLS should see someone like here IMO.

 I told her of my over-coming McDonalds temptation accomplishment and how I've been trying to reduce my baseline anxiety by tackling problems that I've been avoiding (bookkeeper, electrician, paying bills, etc). So things started on a pretty upbeat note, but when we started to get into the eating that I'm still struggling with- I started to get tears in my eyes, admitting to her that Kathy and I have been working on some of my self-loathing/self-disgust stuff. Then she asked a question that literally left me at a loss for words for a few moments.

"Do you think you deserve this (meaning weight loss and improving my relationship with food)?"

I couldn't say "Yes." I don't believe I deserve any of the good things in my life - the things I've done for myself or the things that have happened to me. I started to have a total panic spiral sitting on the couch in the nutritionist's office.

After about 10 seconds of silence (which is forever), while I mulled the question over, something in me that I didn't even know was there, sparked up. Instead of saying, "No" and wallowing in misery,  I found these words coming out of my mouth with more force than I'd intended.

"I want this."

Just like that I bypassed the ideas of good and bad, worthiness and unworthiness that have haunted my attitudes towards weight. I WANT THIS. I've never said that before. I'd never even had that thought about WLS before. I want this. I want this. I want this.

She smiled and looked relieved. "That is enough." Finally, something in my head is working for me, and not against me.

After that she advised me to explore exactly what it is I want. Make a dream board. Think about what I want to achieve. Not what I deserve or what I should want. what I actually want. Even if its shallow or temporary - it's something to hold onto. Something to which I can give power, instead of food.

Today is my day off, and I'm gonna dream-board all day!

Promises, promises

I promise I will try not become obessesive about the scale.  I will try not to freak out during stalls. I will be kind to myself - by sticking to my surgeons instructions to the letter and not punishing myself if I stray.  I will remember that this process is not about being "good or bad," and that I'm doing this for my future, not for my parents. I promise to talk to A.M. Or Kathy when things get overwhelming. 

Walnuts & Pistachios!

Who doesn't love a nice handful of nuts? 

Get your mind out of the gutter people! I'm talking about testic- Wait. No. No, I'm not.  We're talking about walnuts and pistachios, and their best nutritional qualities.

WALNUT
These little buggers are packed full of protein, good polyunsaturated fats, essential amino acids, and a wallop of Vitamins B & E. If you have the choice, go for English walnuts - they contain 4 times the amount of omega 3 fatty acids found in black walnuts. You can also rub it on your wood furniture or floors to get rid of scratches. Is there anything this diva can't do?

PISTACHIO
In 2003 the FDA released a statement that said, " Scientific evidence suggests but does not prove that eating 1.5 ounces (42.5 g) per day of most nuts, such as pistachios, as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol may reduce the risk of heart disease." Which for the FDA is practically a handstand cheerleading routine that ends with a giant banner saying "EAT PISTACHIOS." Studies have also shown that pistachios can increase HDL (good) cholesterol without effecting LDL (bad) cholesterol. Also I might be biased because I love these tasty green dudes. Don't be afraid to try them unsalted! And the best part - two large handfuls are just 160 calories - and they're great for RNY-ers since the shells force you to slow down and focus on each individual nut. 

NUTTY PROFESSOR PESTO
This recipe replaces most of the oil with chicken stock, so it won't keep quite as well as the real stuff. 

2 cups - packed Fresh Basil leaves
3 cloves - Fresh garlic, peeled
1/4 cup - unsalted pistachios, shelled
1/4 cup - walnuts, chopped
kosher salt
black pepper
1/2 cup - Parmesan, reduced fat if you can find it.
1/2 cup - Chicken Stock
1 tbsp - extra virgin olive oil


Combine the basil, garlic, pistachios, and walnuts in a food processor. Pulse until coarsely chopped. Add chicken stock & olive oil, and pulse until incorporated and mixture is mostly smooth. season to taste with salt and pepper. Transfer to a bowl, and mix in the parmesan. 

It's great as a topping on fish, shrimp or chicken. You can put a dollop in any soup or broth for a burst of fresh flavor. Non-RNYers in your family will still love to spread in on bread or pasta, and they won't even notice the missing oil. 

And as always - take this recipe and make it your own. If you like garlic, add more. Like something spicy, try red pepper flakes. A squeeze of lemon is a welcome addition when I make this for my husband, but it might make your pesto a tiny bit less green.

Seven Steps to Improving Emotional Adjustments Post-Surgery

This afternoon I found this excellent article: "Emotional Adjustments after Weight-Loss Surgery" written by a psychotherapist who had gastric bypass in 2003.  My favorite bit was the actionable part of it that I've copied and pasted below. The rest of the article is certainly worth a read.

Seven Steps to Improving Emotional Adjustments Post-Surgery

1. Follow your doctor’s orders and recommendations. This means following the dietary changes from the start. Get lots of rest and take care of your physical needs.

2. Journal. I know what you are thinking. Journaling is boring and tedious and we don’t like it, right? By keeping track of the foods you eat and how you feel will truly help you feel more in control emotionally and physically. This is especially helpful if you find that you are emotionally eating.

3. Set realistic goals and expectations. For many, goals may be getting off their medication(s), walking without getting winded or the ability to cross their legs. So whatever your goals are make sure that you write them down and modify them as needed.

4. Reflect on the past. Although it is important to move on, it’s also important for patients to remember the moment when they decided to have weight-loss surgery. It’s sort of like we have to hit our “low or bottom” to realize that we have to change.

5.Take lots of pictures, measurements and keep your pants. It is important that we take pre-op pictures and post-op pictures regularly. This reminds us about our success. Measurements and pre-op clothing are important especially during the dreaded plateaus. We may be losing inches and it’s important that we have visual aids to help us realize our success. Although you may be a smaller size, you may still view yourself as the larger you. It’s important to have a visual reference point to remind us that we are losing weight.

6.Seek help. It is important to ask for help if you find that you are having difficulty adjusting to the many changes after surgery. Seek support via support groups, family, friends and/or professional counseling. Support groups and counseling are especially rewarding and helpful because we realize that many patients often experience the same adjustment issues and it makes us feel less isolated and alone while we travel our journey.

7.Live life to the fullest. You deserve to be healthy, happy and have fun! Enjoy and savor every moment of your weight-loss journey. You deserve it.

Fitness Goals

Enough about Food, Let's talk about fitness!

• Walk everyday. 
• Start Running. Ugh. 
• Get back into yoga and/or pilates. Start with videos and then go to classes at ACAC. 
• Start P90x  next summer - this thing sounds f-ing terrifying, but everyone I know who does it looks amazing. Plus nothing can be as intense as Crossfit.
• I'd love to be able to do a 5k this spring and a 10k/half marathon in the fall. I've never been a runner, so I don't know if that goal is reasonable.
• ride my bike to work

We did it!

Adorable molded egg success! And we learned a couple things:

1.) start the eggs in boiling water - not in cold water. It makes them 3x easier to peel while warm.
2.) don't drop them in the boiling water, lower them in with a spoon to avoid cracking the shells.
3.) eggs taste better when they are adorable (and soaked in a soy/sake marinade for a couple hours)
4.) don't over-marinate them. the salt will make the whites tough if you leave them in for more than a couple hours.


So the recipe is pretty straight forward.

ADORABLE EGGS

You need at least one of these, some l.o.f.r. eggs, and water.

1. Bring a pot of water to a rolling boil. 
2. lower large l.o.f.r. eggs into the water with a spoon.
3. cook for precisely 6 minutes for a soft yolk.
4. remove eggs with a spoon quickly - place them in a strainer.
5. put the strainer in the sink and peel the eggs under cool running water. the idea is not to shock them with ice water, but to make them just cool enough to handle.( the nice thing about using a strainer is you can just drop the shells into it and it makes cleanup so much easier.)
6. get a large bowl of ice water ready.
7. dip the open molds in the ice water - a little bit of cold water in the mold will make things easier later
8. place the warm peeled egg in the mold. (some of the molds were designed for an upright egg, some for a horizontal egg - this is the trial and error part.)
9. close the mold very carefully. if some of the egg white squishes out the side it's okay. Broken yolk is a bad sign though.
10. snap the mold shut and immerse it in your ice water bowl. 
11. let it cool for at least 10 minutes before popping it out and admiring your adorable delicious egg. 
12. at this point you can choose to marinate it or not.

Any damaged or not-pretty-enough eggs can be greedily eaten by husband non-pouchers while still warm, or saved for egg salad.

Marinade ingredients: (Works great for non-molded hardboiled eggs too!)

light soy sauce / tamari soy

sake

mirin

sriracha

Worcestershire / A1 sauce

a squeeze of lemon juice / lime juice

salt & pepper

rice vinegar

mustard 

mashed garlic

chili oil

sesame oil

basically the salty tasty stuff in condiment jail on your refrigerator door.

Steps: Mix any combination of 3 or 4 of these things that sound good - taste it. 

If the answer is Yes: Cool. Soak your egg for 2 hours. 

If the answer is No: Try again!

We did ours with soy sauce, sake, Worcestershire, and sriracha. Delicious!

had a little too much fun with this

omg - Dinogeddon Doll Maker!

Good Whole Ingredients

TOMAT-Odyssey:
A couple weeks ago I offered to lend a hand in a friend's tomato sauce canning experiments. I brought over my canning supplies, and we met at the local farmers market. He picked up a 50lb box of tomatoes and other ingredients for his recipes, while I shopped for Dave and I's weekly veggies and picked up some crazy delicious pork shoulder (With which I made ciccioli - a spicy pork rillette that is definitely a no-no after the surgery. Farewell ciccioli!).  When we got back to my friend's place, he revealed that he'd never actually made his famous sauce with fresh tomatoes before - always from a can - and he'd bought regular old beefsteak tomatoes - which any Italian mama will tell you are not the right kind for saucing. (Stick with plums, romas, and san marzanos which have a higher flesh to seed/liquid ratio). He also had not inspected the tomatoes for quality - and at least 30% of them were woefully unripe.  As a result - my friend's sauce came out almost unrecognizable. A pot of stewed tomatoes very unlike his usual delicious marinara.

Ingredients (and quality ingredients) are key to making food taste good. I've noticed in a lot of diet/bypass food blogs and recipe books - people start to focus on gimmicky tricks like using processed cheese because it has less calories than a real cheese. While that may be true, processed psuedo-cheese contains synthetic chemical preservatives and contributes nothing to your body beyond a pile of sodium and a smidgen of added calcium.  With our tiny pouches, we need to make sure that we're putting in good stuff not just filling in space with "low calorie" stuff. Just to clarify, I'm not advocating eating fatty foods or high calorie foods, I'm saying that if you have the choice - go for quality. 

Protein is a major concern for our new eating habits,  so here's a couple protein packed ingredients that I'm going to be focusing on in my recipes. 

Local Free Range Eggs & Chickens: Beyond the environmental and ethical reasons to eat local and organic (which I can write about ad nauseum so I'll refrain here), there is substantial evidence that pasture raised (aka free range) eggs are packed with more nutritional goodness than the factory farm eggs on most supermarket shelves.

"Eggs from hens raised on pasture show 4 to 6 times as much vitamin D as typical supermarket eggs." Not only that but they contain "• 1⁄3 less cholesterol• 1⁄4 less saturated fat• 2⁄3 more vitamin A• 2 times more omega-3 fatty acids• 3 times more vitamin E• 7 times more beta carotene  * 

This is because free range chickens are allowed to forage for insects aka delicious low fat protein snacks  and have wider range of dietary options than grain fed factory chickens. Not only that, but they taste better.  They eat better, they taste better, and they're better for our pouches.

But SBB, local free range eggs are $7 a dozen at my supermarket, and the regular ones are just $3!!  So 7$ for 12 healthy perfect lunches? When your stomach was big 7$ for a dozen eggs might have seemed too much, but now those 12 eggs are 12 entire meals. Add one of these cheapo japanese egg molds, and you've got a super cute lunch for less than $0.60.

Wild Caught Salmon - total superfood! The Omega 3's and fatty acids in salmon make your hair shine and your skin soft, but it's super easy to fall into the farmed salmon trap.  I found this infographic on prevention.com a while ago, and it sums up all the points I wanted to make even better than I can!

 Amazing, right? Lower fat with the same amount of protein and an extra boost of iron, wild salmon for the win! A lot of people are hesitant to cook fish, because the "stinky fish" myth - but fresh salmon is stink free. Nervous about cooking fresh fish? That's okay - baby steps- you can find canned wild salmon that's a breeze to use. I'll be posting a lot of new bypass friendly canned and fresh salmon recipes in the next few months. 





*Read more: http://www.motherearthnews.com/homesteading-and-livestock/eggs-zl0z0703zswa.aspx#ixzz3Ab8BnWP2

Bento Inspiration pics

Mine will need to be packed with a bit more protein than pictured in these gorgeous inspiration pics, Rice and bread are definitely NO-NO's for me. But the molded egg is totally perfect! just the size of my pouch and super fun. Definitely a good thing for me to obsess over.

Unlike the traditional method, I plan on soaking mine in soy sauce or ponzu like a ramen egg. :) Can't wait til my molds and cutters arrive! I've also picked up a really nice little mini-muffin teflon pan for making tiny turkey patties and homemade protein packed mini snacks. No reason I can't decorate those little guys like onigiri. And I can totally have cheese stars!






Great Bento Box & Lunch Options:

1. mini meatlings - lamb, chicken, turkey, beef (try adding stuff like kimchi, shredded zuch, ricotta, and natural pairings like lamb & feta)
2. marinated eggs
3. cajun shrimp + dollop of protein grits
4. Deviled Eggs - omgsh
5. Cucumber "Bread" Sandwiches
6. Egg Salad - made from all the practice eggs for molding
7. Cauliflower rice
8. mini fritatta cooked in metal cookie cutters
9. hummus/ricotta/white bean puree stuffed into every hole - peppers, tomatoes, my mouth
10. chicken/salmon/tuna/egg/turkey salads (oo I need to pick up some little icecream scoops - easy way to measure oz's quickly)
11. Meat Babies aka meatballs
12. turkey scotch eggs
13. kebabs - "put a stick up it!" or "stick'em up!"
14. egg cups - I wrote this down earlier and I don't know what it means now. Egg cups. ?
15. roll ups
16. broiled chicken/fish - v. traditional japanese
17. paleo muffins
18. crabcakes/shrimpcakes/salmoncakes
19. edamame
20. cheese and crackers - CHEESE
21. fresh fruits and veggies - but not tooo fibrous