Nutritionist Today

I saw A.M. again this morning- she's a nutritionist that specializes in eating disorders so a lot of her work is more mental than just nutritional which is really amazing - everyone going through WLS should see someone like here IMO.

 I told her of my over-coming McDonalds temptation accomplishment and how I've been trying to reduce my baseline anxiety by tackling problems that I've been avoiding (bookkeeper, electrician, paying bills, etc). So things started on a pretty upbeat note, but when we started to get into the eating that I'm still struggling with- I started to get tears in my eyes, admitting to her that Kathy and I have been working on some of my self-loathing/self-disgust stuff. Then she asked a question that literally left me at a loss for words for a few moments.

"Do you think you deserve this (meaning weight loss and improving my relationship with food)?"

I couldn't say "Yes." I don't believe I deserve any of the good things in my life - the things I've done for myself or the things that have happened to me. I started to have a total panic spiral sitting on the couch in the nutritionist's office.

After about 10 seconds of silence (which is forever), while I mulled the question over, something in me that I didn't even know was there, sparked up. Instead of saying, "No" and wallowing in misery,  I found these words coming out of my mouth with more force than I'd intended.

"I want this."

Just like that I bypassed the ideas of good and bad, worthiness and unworthiness that have haunted my attitudes towards weight. I WANT THIS. I've never said that before. I'd never even had that thought about WLS before. I want this. I want this. I want this.

She smiled and looked relieved. "That is enough." Finally, something in my head is working for me, and not against me.

After that she advised me to explore exactly what it is I want. Make a dream board. Think about what I want to achieve. Not what I deserve or what I should want. what I actually want. Even if its shallow or temporary - it's something to hold onto. Something to which I can give power, instead of food.

Today is my day off, and I'm gonna dream-board all day!