My therapist thinks that I might be turning to food for comfort.
Edvard Munch "Comfort" 1907
Makes sense I guess. I started sneaking food and thinking obsessively about it when I was around 10. My mom and dad were pretty out of it for a few years after my brother died, and they couldn't really take care of me emotionally. They didn't put me in therapy, and they both just kind of shut down for a long time. We weren't a very snuggly family. I don't remember a lot from that time, but I remember being anxious, lonely and frustrated. I snuck food up to my room and hid it. I brought food from school I ate alone, sneaky, and for a moment, happy and calm. The minute I had access to a car and could buy my own food, it got 10x worse. Fast food, bags of candy, trips to the lindt store, but even then I wasn't really overweight because I was playing sports.
I still have the same habits - to an even more exaggerated and extreme degree.
Something triggers.
I start obsessively thinking about food.
I get the object/objects of my craving. Often one thing is not enough. Sometimes it's about volume.
I take it home and either hide it or eat it immediately if I'm alone.
I feel calm, and disgusting. But calm and whatever was bothering me is now buried under pounds of food.
What makes this really frightening is that if this is why I'm eating... how can I stop? If I get bariatric surgery without addressing this problem, I'll end up totally lost and unhinged.
What do normal people find comforting?
Time to ask people on BariatricPal I guess.
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