Like my mind is a mix of bubbling negativity - self-pity, shame, self-hatred, loathing, disappointment, anger, resentment, sadness, lots and lots of fear. But no one knows because there is a pudding-skin thin layer of composure on top. Every time I speak about the issue, or listen to someone else talk about their feelings- tears just well up out of nowhere. I have cried 5 out of the last 7 days.
Therapy makes me cry. Group makes me cry. The song PYT by Michael Jackson makes me cry apparently - it came on the radio in the car and I lost my shit.
I'd feel better about this whole Feeling my feelings thing, if i wasn't also eating them. (I ate an enormous eclair yesterday while thinking to myself - why are you doing this? you are calm, not hungry, and already pretty numb. why are you even EATING? STOP!)
I did have three little breakthroughs yesterday.
1.) I don't care for my therapist. At all. She rubs me the wrong way, and I cannot fucking stand the fact that she closes her eyes and doesn't make eye contact. But she finally said something that might be helpful. Unfortunately it wasn't until I started researching it that I sort of figured out what it meant practically. I'm very practically minded. It's very nice to have goals, but if I don't know how I'm supposed to reach them, it doesn't do any good. She is TERRIBLE at explaining how therapy works. But she came up with breakthrough number 2 so I guess I have to stick with her. ugh.
2.) I need to become my own source of comfort. I can't rely on my husband or anyone else to provide that for me. I need to build up my own separate voice/person inside myself, who can reassure and soothe. Sounds a little crazy, but apparently it's a real thing that works for people. This article in Psychology today was pretty interesting. I think I am a pretty compassionate person (I donate time and money, I volunteer to help strangers, I comfort friends and family in times of need or stress), but I have never extended to myself the same compassion or open support that I'm willing to give freely to others.
3.) I signed back into my old fitnesspal account and saw some of my old recipes from California, and was struck by how HEALTHY it was! it was all veggie bowls, salads for lunch, and lean meats. no cheese toast, no 12 oz chocolate bars for snack, no box of cookies daily. And I went to the gym after work at least 3 times a week - plus biking to work! Maybe THAT'S why I was so happy in California. Maybe I wasn't eating healthy and exercising because I was happier, I was happier because I was eating healthy and exercising.
I am blowing my own fucking mind.
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