Shopping List

I've avoided buying things so far for my surgery and recovery period (with the exception of my smoothie experiments - which turned out to be a waste of time after the surgeon's new requirements).   Now I've got 2 months to prep, and a whole list of vitamins and supplements recommended by my surgeon and dietitian that I need to purchase.  I'm going to write up my shopping list below, and later update with the post-surgery usage results which will make this a bit more useful for those of you still putting together your lists. 

Unjury Chicken Soup Protein powder - recommended by my dietitian, I'll add it to some real chicken broth for a real protein boost.

UNJURY^® Unflavored Protein - also recommended by the dietitian. Apparently it pretty much disapears in a glass of crystal light. Neat.

Bariatric Advantage Calcium Chewables - Doc requires 1000-1200mg calcium per day in 2 doses  (500-600mg tablets) only chewable calcium citrate with vitamin D. BA offers a 270 pack of 500mg chewables for just $48 - which is $.35 a day.

Biotin - Apparently minimizes hair loss. So YEAH. I'm def picking up some of this. 5 mg is 1667% of the DV, so lets hope I get to keep my hair.

Sublingual B-12 - so technically Doc has not asked me to take B12 but it's a pretty common deficiency. This B-12 also has folic acid which is good. :) I'll wait on buying this one though.

Flinstones complete chewables: Doc requires a chewable complete multivitamin with at least 18ml iron, 400mg folic acid, (AVOID time release kind), and recommends taking 2 Flintstones completes. Easy peasy and a hell of a lot cheaper than the fancy bariatric kind - just $.18 a day. Available everywhere. no online ordering or shipping required :)



FUN STUFF
So these things are not exactly on the Doc's list  and not medically necessary, but... *whiney voice* I want them.

itty bitty soy sauce containers for my hardboiled eggs

bento boxes just like EggFace recommends!

chicken soup protein drink will taste so much better in this

This will help me channel the strength of an Amazon princess obviously.

                    

KitKat Failure

I ate that goddamn KitKat.

F@#%$^*$#@#!!%^&%^*$^*&#$^@#%!#!%!!!!!!

Okay. I'm supposed to learn something from this. While it was admittedly delicious for a moment. Crunchy. Sweet. Greasy. All of my preferred sins.

It's gone and my anxiety is lowered a bit.  but it's like A.M. (nutritionist) explained....

When my anxiety/stress/emotions/the-demonic-force-that-makes-me-want-to-eat  gets to a certain point, I have two short term options.

 1. I can eat the food. It drops my anxiety level like a rock. But it only lasts a little while. And like most drug use, the "high" is getting shorter and and less "effective" the more I abuse it.

 2. I can participate in a NON-FOOD stress relief. For me it's ceramics, pedicures, relaxing lady time with Mr. SBB, and reading. Like food, it is ulitmately a temporary relief, but it can also be less effective. However: Less effective is OK! As long as it keeps me on the other side of the dreaded "caged animal" mania Breaking Point.

3. The actual long term solution is not 1,000 pedicures or 3 hours of vigorous lovemaking (but that doesn't sound too bad either) - the real solution is not avoiding my problems at work and of course dealing with my emotional issues - i.e. Address the source of the anxieties. Stop pushing down my emotions with food. 

AWOL

Yikes - It's been a while since I've updated.

For you math fiends, I've been on a bit of a sin curve of emotions lately. And my weight is still out of control. 315 lbs last I checked.

Things are still pretty blah with my therapist. I genuinely don't think she pays attention to me or remembers ANYTHING about my life and current issues. She's asked me what my business is at least 4 times.

I've started seeing a nutritionist who is very kind and is making me think about stuff.

but so far it's been really hard to actually make changes - My eating has not really changed in months, other than that I'm aware of it. I feel like I haven't accomplished much beyond telling a bunch of strangers my feelings.

But the nutritionist is pretty awesome so I'm more confident about my post-surgery recovery now. She wants me to take the next two months to be really proactive about addressing the source of the eating.

the biggest news of all? My surgery has been scheduled for October 6th!

I am 2 months away from the hugest change in my life, and it's really exciting and frightening and wonderful.


PROBLEM
There is a kitkat bar on my desk right now. I picked it up after going to the bank. I'm stressed about our company finances, and worried about paying bills and invoices that are (over)due. It's a fear and a duty I keep to myself because I'm bad at sharing.
On my way back to the shop I picked up a candy bar. It's a KingSize KitKat.

 I've never bought one before. A King Size. I don't even like milk chocolate. I usually want dark chocolate, but truthfully I didn't really crave anything. I just wanted something. Escape for just a few minutes into the food.
I ate 3 bars without realizing.
TRUTH
I'm not hungry. It's not a physical hunger that I feel in my stomach.
It's not even the crazy acid chest "hunger" mixed messages I sometimes get from reflux.
It's just it my head.
I ate three pieces and I don't feel any different. Eating the rest will not change anything.
DARE
Do something proactive to address the source of my anxiety and worry. Challenge the source.
Call an accountant this afternoon.
Throw the KitKat away.


update: I did it. I called a bookkeeper and left a message. fingers crossed. phew. and I threw that kit kat away.

post therapy

Food does not equal kindness.

When encountering others cruelty - put an arm around yourself. Remind yourself that you are human. It's human to want things, others have a practced or taught ability to say "not right now. Maybe later?" Food isn't as important to other people as it is to you.

Yes. It is your responsibility in the end, but it also is partially your parents fault. Is that reassuring at all though? 

Smooooooothies

Protein shakes are a MAJOR part of the post-op diet according to most of the former fatties on Bariatric Pal. So I've been experimenting! And I've actually lost weight without even trying! So here's my rundown on healthy and ORGANIC...

What you may not know about me is that I was once a chef in San Francisco and charcutier (fancy butcher), so flavor is important to me. I will never be one of those people that just "eats to survive," because food is about care, process, preparation, and fun. My two major concerns are 1. Flavor and 2. Sustainability. I might be over 300lbs, but responsibly sourced food is still as much a priority for me as some twiggy hippy. I buy my veggies at farmers markets and my meat from local farms. Locavore brag: the meat at Whole foods is too conventionally raised for me. My meat is local to 60 miles, free range, vegetarian fed, humanely raised, and hormone free. I choose chicken and fish over cow because it's more calorically sustainable. High fructose corn syrup and over-processed foods are my mortal enemies. I'm tempted to get started on a world-food system- monoculture-rant, but since I've been known to indulge in the occasional Taco Bell Fake Meat Burrito (oh god so evil and good) I think my hypocrisy is better saved for a different blog.

However - I do the best that I can in central Virginia (fresh local veggies only 7 months out of the year.) Which is why it is intensely distressing to see all these hyper-processed foods as an almost mandatory part of the post-op diet. Splenda or Aspartame Popsicles, uber processed protein powders, protein bars that have never seen an actual nut. 

I've found two products that I'm pretty pleased with so far:

Raw Organic Whey (ROW)

• Only 1 Ingredient: 100% Pure organic whey protein from the milk of grass-fed cows

• No added sweeteners, preservatives or fillers & No soy lecithin

• Sourced 100% from US Sustainable Small Farms

• rBGH/rBST hormone free

• Processed at low temperatures WITHOUT acid treatment

It's delicious. When you open the bag, it smells like cream. It's unsweetened so you can add it to savory stuff like creamy soups or mashed potatoes (my favorite is mashed cauliflower!).  It's a great all round protein powder if you want a creamy smoothie.

Dark Chocolate Banana Almond Smoothie

1/2 Banana

5 tbsp ROW  - - - 20 Grams Protein

1 tbsp almond butter (peanut works too!)

1 tbsp unsweetened natural cocoa powder (if you want it darker, add more!)

1/2 tsp ground dried stevia

handful of ice

3/4 cup Unsweetened Organic Almond Milk (only 30 calories!)

I was craving a chocolaty night snack - and instead of reaching for the ice cream I made one of these awesome chocolate smoothies and it was AMAZEBALLS. This powder is also great for your standard creamy banana strawberry/blueberry/tropical smoothies.

Navitas Naturals Organic Raw Hemp Protein Powder (RHPP)

It's made from pure, non-GMO hemp seeds with no solvents, fillers or additives. It is certified organic, kosher, gluten-free, vegan and raw.

It is a little gritty unfortunately, but it disappears pretty well in my favorite breakfast shake. 

Big Green Breakfast

1/2 banana

3 kale leaves (stems removed)

3 inches of cucumber, peel on, chopped

4 tbsp RHPP - - -- 15 grams of Protein

1/4 C blueberries

3/4 C almond milk

handful of ice

This powder is definitely more limited in its uses than the ROW, but it works well in this smoothie. You can switch up your fruits and veg of course. 

So why did I pick these two particular organic products? Well... I researched different organic and non-organic options. Is whey better? What's the protein content to cost ratio? Does this one have particular complaints from customers? Does the company have a good reputation? Heavy metals? 

Yes. I am this crazy.  This chart is intended to tell the per day cost if I was relying on each powder to reach the 60g daily protein goal for post-op RNYers - and to compare it to the most recommended NON-Organic NON-sustainable and most widely used unflavored protein powder, UNJURY. Feel free to use this chart, or better yet - make your own! What you put in your body and what you chose to support with your $$ is important. I'm pretty thrilled with the two I picked. 

Nacho Business

As I wrote last week- I'm self pay, thanks to a generous trust I received when I was 20. Ten years later, I'm using a chunk of it to pay for my surgery. (I know I've very very lucky because insurance in VA does not cover WLS at all. It's one of the few states that automatically categorizes WLS as a cosmetic procedure which is ludicrous.) My financial manager has made no criticisms of how I choose to spend my money or anything else in my personal life, she's never been a "life goalie." She's always been really supportive of my decisions and had a "how can I help you achieve your goals" attitude.

Last week I sent her an email, letting her know about my intent to have gastric bypass, and that I'd need to free up some cash for the payment.

Not 20 minutes ago, she walked into my shop, greeted me, and proceeded to say " I just got your email about the weight loss surgery! I'm sorry I haven't responded, but it just seems so drastic!" She is a thin, athletic, and pretty woman. She looked at me with concern. "Do you know anyone who's had it?...." I answered her questions as best I could - mentioning that 2 people in my life have had it and it's saved their lives, even though they gained some of the weight back.

UGGGGH I don't know if I'm more angry that she felt the need to make any comment at all, well-intention or no---- OR if I'm angry that she sensed that it was my mom's idea originally ---- OR if the fact that she got a visit from my dad this morning and she's acting as his mouth piece. I wouldn't be surprised if he was more comfortable talking about this with her than with me.

I'm also upset that she felt it necessary to come speak to me about this highly personal decision. please don't judge me. This is hard enough.

update: looking back on this months later, I can sort of see that she wanted to be supportive of me. which doesn't necessarily mean supportive of WLS. She's always been in my corner, and I shouldn't have been so quick to react defensively. In the end she helped me free up the money once I explained that WLS was definitely happening.  It's "Get on board or get off now."

Sugar fail

So trying to go cold turkey on sugar was a total disaster.

It was my first day volunteering for this local non-profit that teaches healthy cooking to children and single mothers/low income families. It's a little ironic considering how much of a problem I have with food, but it feel like its a good way for me to use my culinary education, make an impact, and be mindful of what I'm eating.  Anyway so I did my first class (Garden to Table) and felt okay for most of the morning, and then once the class was over around 1:30 I just felt everything start to crumble.

I met my mom at one of my favorite bagel places for lunch, and didn't want to eat anything. My poor mom was like, "what?! You don't want to eat?" I just sipped an unsweetened iced tea and excused myself for a 10 minute bowel explosion in the bathroom. I was sweaty, tired, cranky, nauseous - it was like I had a really terrible flu.

I came home and tried to rest, but it just got worse. There was the easy way to fix it, and I admit it, I succumbed. I had a can of baked beans -ugh a whole can of high fructose corn syrup. And then I felt fine again. Maybe a slower weaning off of sugar is the way to go.

This morning I made my first smoothie (of many). 

(Serves 2)

10 tbsp organic whey protein (5 tbsp is one serving)

5 big strawberries

Handful of blueberries

2 kale leaves

1.5 cups 2% milk

1 tbsp agave syrup

Lots of ice

Tomorrow I'm going to try it with organic hemp protein and more kale and blueberries. David really liked it, and I have to admit the flavor wasn't bad. Not chalky at all. Need to pick up some bananas.

-----consultation is today!------

Nervous and excited! Seeing Dr. T this afternoon, and finding out if I can have the surgery. I hope the fact that I gained weight since the seminar doesn't hurt my chances! I gave up smoking so hopefully they'll understand the gain. 

Dr. T seemed really nice at the seminar, and very forthright. He was upfront about the risks and possible complications. I have a lot of questions for him, including :

1. Does he want me to start the pre surgery diet today? Because I totally fuckin will.

2. Will I leave the hospital with a drain?

3. Is my acid reflux a problem?

4. Can he write me a prescription for birth control?

5. When do I need to pay in full by?

6. Can I get a cash discount?

7. What can I do to reduce loose skin?