As of today I weigh 303.2 pounds. I'm 5'8" tall, which puts my BMI at roughly 46. (Yes. BMI is not super reliable, but it is one of the metrics they use to determine your eligibility for bariatric surgery.)
2 weeks ago at Toronto Comic Arts Festival
A month ago I decided to pursue bariatric surgery - specifically RNY Gastric Bypass. It's statistically the most effective treatment, with better and more long term weight loss results than lapband or the sleeve. I also have more than 150lbs to lose, so the choice is pretty clear between the surgeries.
The decision to have the surgery was not easy.
The idea of voluntarily cutting my body seemed utterly deranged to me for a long time. I'm terrified of general anesthesia. There is a pretty good risk of complications, and a statistically significant risk of death both during and after the procedure.
But is my fear of death stronger than my desire to live a fulfilling life?
Complaints:
My chest aches and I'm sure my heart is creaking under all this weight. I don't think 29 year olds are supposed to feel this way. I'm tired of my all consuming obsession with food. Having a child seems inconcievable (hah.) with all this weight. A dangerous pregnancy followed by a miserable obese motherhood?
I want to take control back. I want to have a casual relationship with food. I want to be able to have a kid in the next few years.
Gastric bypass is not a miracle cure. It's a tool. I like to think of it as an opportunity to turn my body into an ally, rather than an obstacle. But the source of my eating is found in my head, not just my stomach - so like a 5 star general, I'm attacking my obesity for the first time from 4 different directions.
One on One Therapy
I've started seeing a psychologist for the first time ever. My first appointment was yesterday and it was... tumultuous. I came home and sloppily cried for a half-hour while trying to clean the house. Then I ate a piece of chocolate cake and felt a little better. Emotions=Eating. That relationship has never been more clear to me than now.
Nutritionist
Haven't made my appointment yet, but this nutritionist works with my therapist on a regular basis - consulting with patients who have eating disorders. I'll call her this afternoon.
Group Therapy & Support Groups
So far I've had two experiences with group work.
About a year ago I went to an OA meeting. It was not for me. I bought the AA book, and I still read it from time to time - but I just can't give myself over to a "higher power." There's too much groupthink and psuedoreligious stuff going on, that my brain just goes "NOPE - this is stupid." and then I eat cake.
A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to sit in on a support group for people who'd had bariatric surgery. Some were recent patients still struggling with week 4 diets. A few had done the procedure years ago and were successfully keeping the weight off or openly discussing their troubles with it. Every person had a different experience, but it seemed that everyone shared this opinion: Despite all the pain, the discomfort, the complications, and the new complexity in their lives - bariatric surgery had changed them for the better. Sadly that Bariatric Surgery support group only meets once a month, but I'm going to go to every meeting I can before and after my surgery.
Group therapy is also offered through my psychologist's practice, but it's a general anxiety, depression, & mixed bag of psychotherapy stuff. Not particularly intended for eating disorders. I'm going to give it a shot next week.
Surgery
I've gone to the seminar required by all perspective patients at the bariatric surgery center. They have my information and I'm waiting for them to call back to schedule my consultation. At the seminar the doctor told us that he refuses to perform the surgery on anyone who uses any nicotine products whatsoever. I quit smoking cold turkey the next day. I am eager for my consultation!
And the good stuff: PHOTOS!
My wedding Spring 2013 - I got myself down to 260 in time for my vows.
Wearing a size 22/24 wedding dress. I'm 40lbs heavier, just a year later.
2012 - Roughly started the year at 280 and worked my way down to 260 with diet and exercise. Back up to 270 before we moved.
Culinary School 2009 - Oh to be 230-240 again!
College 2003 - Probably 170lbs. This photo is from Halloween my sophmore year, when I was going clubbing 3 nights a week and felt the sexiest and most confident I've ever felt in my life. My struggles with weight gain started the next year when I ballooned over 200lbs in just 8 months.
When I started college, I weighed 160lbs. My BMI was 24 and I was convinced I was obese. It's amazing the kind of warped things your mind can do.
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